Travelling Light

As I sit here listening to the low rumble of our engines, I have to question my analysis. I knew x0x0 was seriously thinking about heading out, but my sense was it was another of her wild schemes that would come to nothing. When Amyla told me at Firefly's she had left, I was shocked. I still am. I thought I had more time.

As is my habit, I'm getting ahead of myself. This morning - or possibly evening, who knows, time is pretty arbitrary out here - finds me installed in a cargo bay, passing myself off as a smuggler. A petty smuggler; one who won't attract the attention of the Alliance, but one who's prepared to pay a little more for a bit of privacy on the trip. I jumped the ship I'm on in Persephone by allowing the greedy captain to think he was playing me, overpaying some for the flight. I'm heading out to Whitefall, on a pure guess. I hope I'm right.

Saturday night was a night like almost every other. x0 and I were dancing and joking, and then she got a wave. She bolted right out from there, and, far as I can tell, jumped on Shadowbroker's ship to Downing. From there, it's conjecture, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. That evening, the governor's offices got burgled, and some "papers" of an unspecified nature went missing. Now, Blue Sun and the Alliance are in hot pursuit of the thieves. I think Svenska's being set up, but I'm not sure why. I do know that meathead is going to want to fence his papers somewhere familiar, and somewhere out of the way... and that means Whitefall. That's what I'm banking on. People are creatures of habit, and that shagua is no exception. I've got no choice, so I have to be right.

It's funny how the training takes over at times like this. The folks at Firefly's wouldn't recognize me right now. No drink, no suit, hair unkempt, and armed to the teeth. I hope I'm right. I hope that I can extricate x0 before the inevitable hole in Svenska's plan becomes obvious. But for now, all I can do is wait and watch the miles spin past.

Contractions

The strangest thing happened to me the other night. I was over at Firefly’s, to make sure that x0x0 was still on planet, and I got cornered by a few of the locals – mostly Imrhien and Amyla, two people who have befriended x0x0 and I. Imrhien has a wonderfully direct streak to her, and asked me if I loved x0x0. I was shocked, and naturally, didn’t give a straight answer. Finessing Imrhien’s direct questions, I slipped away into the night.

Two things strike me as I lay awake staring up at the ceiling. First, as I think of these folks, I think of “Amy” and “Imr”… I’m contracting their names. Now, that doesn’t sound much, but usually when I think of people I’m more concerned with whether they are a red dot or a blue dot on my data pad. The idea of contracting names is alien to me, and the fact that I consider it at all tells me I’ve been in one place too long. Maybe it’s time to move on, but that’s really not up to me.

But all of this pales in comparison to the question of my feelings. Feelings. Even the word feels strange in my mouth, as I roll it around like some strange fruit, tasting its peculiar mix of sweet and tart. Do I love x0x0? Even the question feels like a non sequitur… it’s like I’ve been staring at a set of random dots for days, and everyone around me sees them as 3-dimensional vase. It’s not an idea that’s been in my universe. I’m confused.

And to add to this, she’s still threatening to head out on a “job” with some ben tiansheng de yidui rou. I could curse all night, and still not get out how angry I feel.

And there I stop. Feel. For years, I’ve tried not to feel a thing. And now it seems to be all I care about.

Confusion

I'm not sure how I got here. Not really. Not planned, but is anything anymore? All I know is I'm here. A barren rock, contaminated from one too many battle. Shadowing Zhangsun. Again.

Let me back up, because I'm sure this is all very confusing. It has been a while since I've been in one place long enough to even think about getting my thoughts in order. The last few years - more than I'd care to mention, to be honest about it - have been a blur. Training, combat, recruits. So many different stories to tell. But there I am disgressing again.

What matters are the changes; my great fall from grace. From the being apple of their eye to simply a tool, a pawn on the chessboard, to be moved or sacrificed on a whim. Just a pawn, but even so I seem to have great value to them, because here I am, breathing. Too much value I guess to just throw away. And so they wait, to see where I stand. To see if this is all just some ruse, some wheel within a wheel of a higher up. Well, they can wait. I don't plan on running out of time any time soon.

Life here is strange, so different from before. I've fallen in with a bunch of misfits and rebels, scraping out a livin' on a bitter piece of moon.

Everything here's contaminated. Kari, one of the folks making a home out of the place laments that she's heard that green isn't bad everywhere. Here, you see something green, you keep on walking... away from it, if you've got instincts for survival. Yet these people have a heart that I've not seen in a long time. A heart that is earily familiar to the one that I thought I had in my own chest, before the... well, just before.

I do know I respect these people; I haven't felt like an outcast here, they've welcomed me based on my actions, and haven't pried about my history. Like the past matters; all that matters now is the future. And that's why I'm here. For the future. Shadowing Zhangsun.